It is what it is…

People keep asking about me. I have been silent for a while. There are a few reasons for that. One is that I am just straight up depressed, though I am pushing through it. I have a child that still requires 24-7 care, so I have almost given up on anything else. She is a true miracle and a gift from God, so anything I say that is not glowing sounds like whining, and I never want to whine about having such a wonderful gift.

I have worked my entire life and been fully self supporting until 7 months ago. It is weird not to have an income, but I am getting used to just getting by. I would appreciate it if Jessi would stop pouring my shampoo down the drain. I am to the point that even shampoo and conditioner are luxuries, and she for some strange reason just pours that crap down the drain, along with soap, shower gel, etc. I have gotten angry at her and even had a mad fit over it once, and she still does it. I have to hide it from her!

Anyway, I have applied for two jobs and interviewed for both of them. They could not be more polar. One is for a database manager for the state to be located in a cubicle in the basement on the old Austin State Hospital. Those buildings are haunted. I have worked there before. That is the only fun thing about that job, but it has great benefits, and it is an income, which I am desiring. Austin is a good thing too because I have people there. It would be very hard for me to move further from Miles, but I have Hannah and Skylar there. Hannah turned 19 a few days ago! Hard to believe! They said it would be 3 weeks before they close and fill the position. I still have 2 weeks before I hear anything from the position.

I have exactly one friend other than Miles who helps me with Jessi here. Jessi even posted on her Instagram that when she almost died and was in the hospital, everybody wanted to see her, and now nobody does. She is lonely, and so am I. It is to be expected. She has changed a lot. She is not the same kid she was before. Her maturity is spot on in some ways, but it is also a lot like a three year old in other ways. The kids are growing and maturing, and she is not. She is stuck in many ways and may well always be stuck right where she is. That is fine with me, but I need some help to resume work. We still have about five months before the recovery is where she can resume her life, whatever that may be.

Her dad has spent a sum total of four hours with her since her discharge from the hospital. He has never paid child support ever for any of the three children, not one penny, no insurance or weekends or half of the medical costs. Nothing. I have never asked him for it until now when I need it. He has ignored my requests, and his wife has insurance. Remember they had to get married two weeks before Jessi’s discharge, and none of the children were included, but their dogs were there along with a photographer. I would have to pay about $3,000 to hire an attorney to get our decree changed. They said they would pursue it from Medicaid, but I am not sure they will. It is sad to me, but at the very least, he can help me care for her if I am closer. So, when I get a slew of private messages saying I am blasting my ex, I am simply stating the facts. It is a factor to consider when deciding about Austin or Dallas. She is his daughter for God’s sake. He could at least spend a little time with her when she needs it.

The second position I applied for was at the Omni Hotel in Dallas as their pool bartender. I went for an interview that was a bit weird. I had to walk outside and around the hotel to the back loading dock, where I had to step around the garbage area to get to the double doors in the back of the loading docks, where my interview was. I was not interviewed for the position I applied for and was called in to interview for, which was cool. I was interviewed for the sports bar. It was a weird interview. She wanted my resume, which includes a lot of things that are polar opposite of bartending. I am an avid fan of the show Shameless, and the interviewing lady was just like Fiona’s probation officer from the show. She was interested in some fraud reduction information she saw on my resume, but I did not get the job as bartender. She encouraged me to apply for Fraud Management. That is not a pool bartender job! I would prefer to hang with the ghosts in Austin if I am going to continue to do boring things for my career.

So, that is why I have not written. We are going crazy in the waiting game basically, but we are still holding. We will be until about a year out. People say, “She is ready to go back to school.” I tell those people to shut up and spend a day or two with her before interjecting their opinions. She is not ready. She sleeps 15 hours a day. She is tired when we do things. She is recovering from a very bad injury to her brain, but also to many bones in her body. Though God came down and miraculously healed her bones, it still hurts to recover. She looks great. God did excellent work both times He created her. But she creeks and pops and is fragile.

She has very little negotiation skills, so regular middle school is out of the question. She relates to very young children and likes their toys, yet she dresses like a model. She is stunningly beautiful, but will walk up to someone in her glamorous look and say, “I have a balloon.” And smile like a very proud little girl. It weirds people out a little. It is a bit uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes I say she is recovering from a brain injury, other times I just smile and keep on about my own business. People really are taken back when they meet her, and she is very outgoing and gregarious, and she is really pretty. She is a dichotomy in and of herself. However, she requires constant supervision. She could easily be taken advantage of, and I cannot accept that. I am very protective of her. She gets frustrated being around me all of the time, but when she is not with me, she is texting me and is demanding on when she is done and needs to come home. I always come running, no matter what. I had just ordered dinner on an actual date last Saturday night, and she beckoned me. I cancelled dinner and went and got her. It is what it is. I am a proud mommy who has basically gone through the steps of being a new mommy at break neck speed. I am too damn old for this, but I am doing it proudly and gladly!